Sunday, July 5, 2009

Please pain, go away.

I just want him back, and I try not to think that way, but I can't help it. I don't want to hope that it's not over.
Mom kept saying that she didn't really feel like it was over, but she's kind of the last person I want involved in ANYTHING regarding relationships EVER.

I know what I did wrong, and I know how to fix it, but it's the things that aren't in my power to fix that bothered him most. Sadly though, I can't change my life, but I can change how I react to what happens.

I need to either stop talking to my mother about my feelings, and talk to my friends (if I can get them back), or perhaps she needs to stop trying to tell my how I feel rather than listen and accept that I feel a certain way.
Or maybe I need to not expect that from her.

No matter how right she thinks she is, or if she believes her truth is the only one, I can't concern myself with that. Maybe we're not meant to get along when it really matters, and maybe that's okay.

I've also got to stop concerning myself with the affairs of my dad. The only problem is that it affects my mom, and that tends to take a toll on me because I always want to take everything onto my shoulders.

It's not my burden to bear. I need to let my mother be the grown-up here.
I just wish she'd let me.

I'm gonna give myself today to wallow in grief, but my work starts anew tomorrow.

First, will be the checking of my credit report so that I have something to tell my lawyer, the one who helped me navigate the identity theft (another story for another time) by my sister, and Bank of America treating me like an accomplice.

If I need to sue to force her to take responsibility, then so be it.
If I also need to sue Bank of America for my ongoing grief, then so be it. I can contact Legal Aid here in MO, and see if anyone can help me. There are other hotlines I can call as well.
The financial aid adviser at Loyola told me to seek credit counseling, and I think I'll start that tomorrow as well.

One more day, and then I can get through the first day of not emailing him at work to cheer him up by taking the necessary steps to fix my life.

It feels like I'm in darkness right now, and food doesn't satisfy me. I feel sick, but I know that it has to be like this. I'd been thinking about it for a while, but I was never brave enough to do it.
He just did it first.

One more day.

One more day, Lord.

One more day, and then I have to move forward.

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