Friday, February 25, 2011

Hisashiburi desu ne?

Wow, it's been forever since I last posted. I'm just no good at this whole "chronicling my life" thing. I really do need to get better, though. I have far too much in my head, and I think my life would be better if I got some of it out. Made room. Like a Pensieve.
It's not as though I don't have thoughts on the world around me, I think it's more fear of sharing them. I always doubt myself. I doubt my intelligence, my personality, my looks, and the list goes on.
Somehow, I feel like I'm a fraud - like everyone else thinks I'm this good and smart person, but I'm not. So I'm constantly trying to prove myself and putting so much pressure on myself to perform. Which really doesn't help with the getting over the anxiety. How do you deal with performance anxiety when very nearly everything you do feels like a performance? I'm 25 years old, and I'm still going through all of the same problems I had as a teenager when it comes to my self-esteem. But it isn't as though I feel like this everyday, or rather, I'm not always aware of it. It's always there, though. Lurking. Making me feel like I don't really belong anywhere. Keeping me from making new connections, and keeping up with old ones.
Except for one.
I talk to my ex nearly everyday. I think it's because I really have nothing else left to prove to him, or to myself in regards to him. I mean, the relationships already over and I'm not trying to keep him, so there's far less pressure. I hate to think of what that makes me. I feel rather pathetic about it though. Is this really where my life is right now? Talking to my ex because it's easy and I'm afraid to try to reconnect with old friends and to make new friends?
This feeling is made even worse by the fact that he's not clinging to me in the same way. He's living his life feeling unafraid of being himself because he's comfortable in his own skin. He never did need me, and never will. Yet, here I am, looking forward to talking to him so I feel just a little bit less lonely, even if it's slowly adding to the crushing weight of feeling like there's something wrong with me.