Tuesday, July 21, 2009

On Love

Much of this likely comes from the recent breakup, but I felt this way long before we ever got together.

What is love good for, really?
Sure, it can make life more bearable, but it certainly doesn't bring happiness or make the pain of living go away.
Love doesn't pay the bills. It doesn't mend things that are broken, and no matter how real or true it is, it certainly doesn't keep people together.

Or perhaps it takes a certain amount of love to make things right. Having witnessed my parents' divorce, and having had my heart broken by someone who says that he still loves me, I wonder if there just isn't enough love in the world.

That could be a rather simplistic way of looking at things, but it's hard to believe that love can be real or true and hurt someone so much when it's supposed to bring happiness.
It doesn't make much sense at all.

So, if love can be real or true, why doesn't it matter as much? People hurt, hurt one another, and do insane things in the name of love. They live and die for it.

Perhaps it's my broken heart speaking, but I kind of don't see the point anymore.

Or perhaps the love I've known and witnessed really was neither true nor real.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I think I may have found something to help me get through the coming days...

Yes, I think this will improve my mood nicely. :)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

And now it's time to move on, people

I understand that Michael Jackson was an international superstar and pop icon who inspired people the world over. His music brought light into people's dark worlds, saved lives, and paved the way for artists of color and otherwise.
However, it's time to let the man rest in peace. He's gone, and his pain is over. There's no need to dissect every one of his actions, or speculate endlessly about the whys and the hows.
Let him go

There are other things to talk about, and it's bordering on escpism the way people are clinging to the stories. Life is majorly sucking for people everywhere, why don't we pay attention to their plights for a bit, rather than focusing on this story which we can swallow a bit more easily?

For one, there's Iran. Yeah, the country's still there and the conflict is still going on.


Large scale ethnic unrest. Shouldn't we be having discussions about ethnic differences, and how those clashes hurt all?

Perhaps if we want to keep discussing MJ's legacy, we should talk about one of the major points in his life, of bringing different people together. Perhaps we should talk about cultural and ethnic unity, and how even in the most advanced societies, people are still largely seperated.

Sorry for the semi-rant. There are so many things going on in the world right now, and everyone's focusing on talking about how much they'll miss MJ, all the while ignoring some of the biggest parts about him.
The man loved the world, and wanted to make it a better place.

Why don't we talk about that?

Monday, July 6, 2009

I hope that if not by the end of today, then the end of the week, that I let go of the hope that he will call.
Sorry isn't enough. I know what I did wrong, but sorry is not enough. I'm still stuck in the same place that I was three years ago, so why would he want to come back to that?

I just want to hold him again.

It was hard enough to love him and not have him the first time, before we got together.

I want the pain to stop right now.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Please pain, go away.

I just want him back, and I try not to think that way, but I can't help it. I don't want to hope that it's not over.
Mom kept saying that she didn't really feel like it was over, but she's kind of the last person I want involved in ANYTHING regarding relationships EVER.

I know what I did wrong, and I know how to fix it, but it's the things that aren't in my power to fix that bothered him most. Sadly though, I can't change my life, but I can change how I react to what happens.

I need to either stop talking to my mother about my feelings, and talk to my friends (if I can get them back), or perhaps she needs to stop trying to tell my how I feel rather than listen and accept that I feel a certain way.
Or maybe I need to not expect that from her.

No matter how right she thinks she is, or if she believes her truth is the only one, I can't concern myself with that. Maybe we're not meant to get along when it really matters, and maybe that's okay.

I've also got to stop concerning myself with the affairs of my dad. The only problem is that it affects my mom, and that tends to take a toll on me because I always want to take everything onto my shoulders.

It's not my burden to bear. I need to let my mother be the grown-up here.
I just wish she'd let me.

I'm gonna give myself today to wallow in grief, but my work starts anew tomorrow.

First, will be the checking of my credit report so that I have something to tell my lawyer, the one who helped me navigate the identity theft (another story for another time) by my sister, and Bank of America treating me like an accomplice.

If I need to sue to force her to take responsibility, then so be it.
If I also need to sue Bank of America for my ongoing grief, then so be it. I can contact Legal Aid here in MO, and see if anyone can help me. There are other hotlines I can call as well.
The financial aid adviser at Loyola told me to seek credit counseling, and I think I'll start that tomorrow as well.

One more day, and then I can get through the first day of not emailing him at work to cheer him up by taking the necessary steps to fix my life.

It feels like I'm in darkness right now, and food doesn't satisfy me. I feel sick, but I know that it has to be like this. I'd been thinking about it for a while, but I was never brave enough to do it.
He just did it first.

One more day.

One more day, Lord.

One more day, and then I have to move forward.
Everything hurts.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

It's okay to smile for yourself

I am indulging in a little Buffy the Vampire Slayer Therapy. Usually, I like to shop when I'm feeling down, but I can't get out the the stores (that are currently closed anyway) on my own, so that will have to come later.
Perhaps when my mother gets paid.

I think I want to try a new look, but I just don't know what. I refuse to straighten my hair, so it won't be a return to the relaxer or some other drastic hair change. Eventually, I think I'd like to keep my hair in braids or twists at least until I can grow it out so that it reaches my waist curly, but that's a pretty big eventually. It's a little below chin length all curly now, and past my shoulders straight.

But no, I won't be making a hair change. Perhaps some makeup, and some new clothes.
I feel like I need to change my appearance to match the changes I'm trying to make in myself right now.
My looks should reflect my new direction. If I'm ever going to get him back, or ever find The One, I need to become whole again.

My goals are as follows:

Get a driver's license
Get my credit straightened out
Get a job
Get better grades
Get more loans and/ or scholarships and grants
Get my own place

I don't know when or how that last one will come into play, but I need to be away from my family, and on my own. I need to live my life for me, and no one else.

I'm really grateful to the online community that I'm a part of. They're really helping me to look forward.

Then again, I could be looking forward because I want to get my boyfriend back... or because I want to avoid feeling like I'm dying.

I suppose it doesn't really matter so long as I move forward.

Alright, back to BtVS!

My blog

The title of my blog comes from a song that I've been listening to, called "Shinkokyuu" or, "Deep Breaths." - I like Japanese music. I speak the language, and I like to cook and eat the food. There'll be a lot of Japanese around here.

That's what I'm trying to take right now. In and out. In and out. One foot in front of the other because I need to start anew and I can only do it one step at a time.

This blog will likely be a mixture of my thoughts on politics, the law, and issues of race, class, and gender interspersed with snippets of what's going on in my life.

A deep breath.

My boyfriend of three years just broke up with me over the phone last night.

Another deep breath.

He wants to be friends, even though he loves me.

Another deep breath.

He loves me, but my situation (and I) have been making him unhappy.

Keep moving forward.

I want him back, and I want him now.


It hurts.


God, it hurts.


He was my first love.


He was my first everything.


It feels like a bad dream, but it's real.


I will wake up. I will get through this.